What are you feeling? Guilt, shame, or regret?

Among the many emotions we encounter, guilt, shame, and regret are notable for their significant influence on our mental well-being. While these emotions are often used interchangeably, they possess unique traits and impact our lives differently. Recognising their distinctions can bring clarity and enable new ways for healing and personal development.

Understanding Guilt

Guilt is an uncomfortable emotion, but it isn't necessarily a negative emotion. Pure emotions like guilt have a purpose. Guilt signals that we've made a mistake and need to correct it. It often arises when we feel we've violated our moral code or personal sense of right and wrong. This emotion encourages us to reflect on our behaviour and find ways to make amends. Constructive guilt can foster personal accountability. For instance, if someone lies to a friend, they might feel guilty about the dishonesty, prompting them to apologise and rebuild trust, which can ultimately strengthen the relationship. Studies show that more than 60% of people experience positive outcomes, such as improved relationships and enhanced self-awareness, after confronting their guilt.

However, unresolved guilt can become toxic shame and destructive. It may result in anxiety, depression, and ongoing self-blame, affecting one's overall mental health. Learning to manage guilt is essential to prevent it from spiralling into shame.

The Nature of Shame

Shame, unlike guilt, is a more intense negative emotion that often leaves individuals feeling defeated. While guilt is linked to specific actions that can potentially be rectified, shame targets the self. With shame, a person doesn't feel they've made a mistake; instead, they feel they are a mistake. When shame takes hold, individuals may believe they are fundamentally flawed or unworthy. This powerful emotion can lead to isolation and withdrawal, further worsening feelings of unworthiness. A person experiencing shame might think they are beyond redemption. Shame convinces people that if others truly knew them and their actions, they would be appalled and reject them.

For example, consider someone who makes a mistake in their relationship. Instead of seeing it simply as a poor decision, they internalise it as proof of their unworthiness. This negative self-perception may lead them to disconnect from their partner and ultimately their relationship.

Research shows that individuals who frequently experience shame report higher levels of anxiety and depression, highlighting the destructive power of this emotion. People who feel shame not only experience feelings of worthlessness, internal negativity, and hopelessness, but also physical symptoms such as headaches, sleep disturbances, or irregular heartbeat. They might try to hide by making their bodies smaller, bending downwards, and avoiding eye contact. Often, those who carry shame struggle with perfectionism, people-pleasing, self-sabotage, and poor boundaries.

The Role of Regret

Regret, while often confused with guilt and shame, operates on a different level. It is the recognition that a past event could have been different, leading to alternate outcomes. Regret is a person looking back and wishing they had said or done something differently. It's "should have", "could have", and "what if" thinking.

For instance, take a student who regrets not studying for an important exam. They contemplate their decisions, realising that different actions might have produced better results. This awareness can serve as a valuable learning opportunity, encouraging individuals to make more thoughtful decisions in the future. Many people view their regrets as a source of personal insight, influencing their future choices.

While regret can be useful, it can also cause people to become stuck in looking backwards. If regret is not used to alter future actions, but a person ruminates on past actions instead, regret becomes a mechanism that keeps people in a "should have" state.

The Interplay Between Guilt, Shame, and Regret

These emotions often overlap and can complicate each other. For example, guilt over a past action can evolve into shame if someone sees that action as indicative of their character. This interaction can create a challenging cycle to break. Moreover, regret can intensify feelings of guilt or shame, particularly when associated with missed opportunities or poor decisions.

Understanding the interaction between guilt, shame, and regret is crucial. By grasping their connections, individuals can turn these emotions from destructive cycles into opportunities for personal growth.

How Geheel Can Help

The initial step in overcoming guilt, shame, or regret is identifying the exact emotions a person is experiencing. Geheel assists clients in clarifying their thoughts, helping them differentiate between various feelings.

At Geheel, clients are guided to discern whether they have done something wrong. Some clients may believe they have erred without realising the significant impact past events, like trauma, have on their thinking. In trauma victims, guilt can easily transform into shame, leading them to blame themselves. These individuals might take full responsibility, believing they should have anticipated the event, or attribute it to personal shortcomings, thinking, "I'm so careless, this was bound to happen to me. It's my fault."

People often seek explanations for events, and assuming full responsibility is a quick way for a traumatised mind to make sense of an occurrence. However, this approach does not aid those struggling with trauma. At Geheel, clients are helped to identify flawed thinking and develop more accurate assessments of the question, "Did I do something wrong?" Clients are guided to recognise their true responsibilities rather than the burdens they impose on themselves.

There will be instances where clients acknowledge times when they did something wrong. Making mistakes is part of being human. At Geheel, the focus is on positive guilt. We explore what the client can do to rectify the situation or influence future outcomes. Taking accountability for our own actions is not synonymous with taking responsibility for others' actions. Accepting responsibility for our actions is part of the healing and connection process, while taking responsibility for someone else's actions is a form of self-sabotage.

Admitting to having done something wrong presents clients with a choice – to confront their actions or hide from them. It is easy and common for people to evade their responsibilities. This evasion can manifest as blaming others; downplaying their actions; labelling themselves as "just the way I am and always will be" as a form of self-justification; or using substances to numb guilt, regret, or shame. Avoiding responsibility after experiencing guilt and regret does not lead to healing but rather to more toxic shame. Geheel helps clients identify areas where they might have opted to hide rather than take action.

Taking action from guilt and regret involves making amends, not slipping into another form of toxic shame where the client assumes responsibility that is not theirs. At Geheel, clients are guided through the process of making amends: admitting mistakes, listening and emphasising, repairing, and preventing future mistakes.

At Geheel, exploring guilt, shame, and regret; asking challenging questions about these feelings; letting go of unwarranted responsibility or taking appropriate accountability; and making amends are all directed towards healing. It's about ending the cycle of toxic shame and self-sabotage, and instead focusing on building a healthier sense of self and repairing relationships and connections.