When your neighbours are unhinged: how to cope when conflict finds you

Let’s be honest: not all neighbours are a blessing. Some are loud. Some are nosy. And some—well, some feel like they stepped straight out of a reality show nobody signed up for.

If you’ve ever had to tiptoe around your property, mute your TV just in case someone’s listening, or carefully plan your trash-taking-out routine to avoid a screaming match, you’re not alone. Living next to someone who thrives on chaos while you crave peace can be deeply unsettling. It’s not just annoying. It’s draining. It’s personal. And yes, it absolutely impacts your mental health.

Your nervous system is listening

Even if you never directly argue with them, your nervous system picks up on the tension. That creeping anxiety when you hear their voice, that little spike in your heart rate when you see their car in the driveway: those are signs your body doesn’t feel safe.

We are wired for safety. When we live in environments that feel unpredictable, loud, or threatening, our nervous system stays on high alert. This is what we call a chronic stress response. You may know it as:

• Fight (snapping back, even if you didn’t want to),

• Flight (avoiding home as much as possible),

• Freeze (feeling stuck and helpless), or

• Fawn (over-accommodating just to keep the peace).

  
  

None of these responses are wrong. They’re automatic and protective. But over time, living in this constant state of alertness can leave you feeling anxious, exhausted, emotionally numb, and even resentful of your own home, which should be your safe space.

When you hate conflict but they thrive on it

Some people just love the drama. They poke. They provoke. And when you try to avoid it? That only makes them try harder. It’s confusing and infuriating. You’re trying to be mature, calm, and decent, but somehow, you still end up shaken, tearful, or doubting yourself.

Here’s why: people who constantly create conflict often want control. And when we avoid the fight to protect our peace, it threatens their need to feel powerful. It’s not your fault, but unfortunately, it is your reality.

So, what can you do?

When you’re living next to someone who seems to feed off conflict, it’s easy to feel powerless. But you’re not. You do have tools to support your emotional safety and reclaim a sense of calm. Here are some steps you can take to protect your mental health, even when your external environment feels unpredictable:

1. Create internal boundaries

When we can’t physically escape a situation, the next best thing is to put up emotional walls. Internal boundaries are about protecting your thoughts, your self-worth, and your emotional energy.

Start by recognising that you don’t owe emotional access to everyone who demands it, especially not someone who thrives on drama. Their moods, outbursts, and passive-aggressive behaviour are theirs to carry, not yours.

Practice internal scripts like: "I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to".; "Their behaviour is about them, not me".; and "I don't need to explain myself to someone who won't listen".

Remind yourself: choosing not to react is an act of strength, not weakness.

2. Regulate your nervous system

Ongoing tension with difficult neighbours can keep your nervous system stuck in survival mode - constantly bracing for the next confrontation or noise. Over time, this leads to experiences like anxiety, irritability, fatigue, and even panic attacks.

You can help your body feel safe again by practising nervous system regulation techniques daily, even when things are calm. These small actions reset your internal alarm system and remind your body that "I'm okay".

Try:

• Box Breathing: Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4.

• Grounding Exercises: Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste.

• Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Tense and release each muscle group.

• Sensory Tools: Use comforting objects like essential oils, soft textures, or calming music.

• Movement: Take short nature walks or stretch - this helps get rid of stress hormones.

  
  

You deserve to feel at home in your body, even when your home doesn’t feel peaceful.

3. Document, don’t engage

Trying to reason with someone who doesn’t play by the same emotional rules often leaves you drained and doubting yourself. Engaging with them can turn into a trap where you’re constantly defending or explaining. Instead, step back.

If the situation becomes more than a nuisance, such as threats, property damage, or harassment, it’s important to protect yourself legally.

Keep a detailed record:

• Note dates, times, and descriptions of incidents.

• Take photos or videos if necessary.

• Save any text messages or notes.

• Avoid escalating or retaliating: just gather facts.

  
  

Having documentation helps you feel more in control and gives you something solid to stand on if you ever need to involve authorities, the body corporate, a rental agent, or your neighbourhood watch.

4. Build a sense of control elsewhere

When part of your world feels out of control (like your street, building, or complex), it’s vital to create stability and sanctuary in other areas of your life. This keeps your nervous system anchored in predictability and calm.

Here’s how to begin:

• Create a “calm corner” at home: a small space that feels emotionally safe.

• Establish soothing routines like journaling, slow mornings, or evening walks.

• Limit exposure to triggers with noise-cancelling headphones, white noise, or blackout curtains.

• Lean on supportive people: even a short chat with someone kind reminds you what safety feels like.

• Choose one thing daily that gives you joy or control: a task, a hobby, or time to rest.

  
  

When your outer environment feels unstable, nurturing the parts you can control gives your nervous system something to anchor to.

5. Talk to a counsellor

Chronic environmental stress, like living next to a disruptive or aggressive neighbour, can slowly wear away at your mental health. You might find yourself snapping more easily, struggling to sleep, feeling hopeless or trapped, or constantly rehearsing “what if” scenarios in your mind.

You don’t have to navigate this alone. At Geheel, we offer a space where you don’t have to filter, explain, or downplay your experience. We’ll help you:

• Make sense of your emotional responses,

• Learn nervous system regulation tools,

• Set healthy boundaries,

• Cope with powerlessness or fear, and

• Most importantly, reconnect with yourself and your peace.

  
  

Counselling is not about pretending everything’s okay. It’s about learning how to hold onto calm, even when everything isn’t.

You deserve to Feel Safe in Your Own Life

Living near chaos can make you question your sanity. But the fact that it affects you doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re human. And your nervous system is doing exactly what it’s meant to do: protect you.

Let’s work together to bring calm back into your internal world, even if the outside isn’t calm yet. You can reclaim a sense of peace. You can feel like yourself again.