Exploring relationship needs through counselling at Geheel

We are all driven by our needs, and everyone brings their specific needs into a relationship. These needs can be emotional, financial, physical, spiritual, cognitive, and social. For us to feel acknowledged, understood, and supported, our needs must be fulfilled. A relationship is deemed healthy and successful when the majority of our needs are met most of the time. Conversely, a relationship is considered unhealthy when most of our needs are frequently overlooked.

A significant aspect of couples counselling at Geheel involves examining the needs of each partner within the relationship. This process goes beyond simply asking "What do you need?" or stating "I need...". The challenge arises because couples, like everyone else, often face difficulties in effectively communicating their needs and interpreting their partner's wishes. Therefore, the exploration of needs at Geheel begins with assessing how a couple communicates. Are they interacting in a manner that ensures mutual understanding?

Couples sometimes face situations where one person is eager to have their needs met, while the other is equally eager to fulfil them. The partner trying to meet these needs may become exhausted, yet the other person still feels unnoticed or unheard. In our counselling sessions at Geheel, we not only explore the needs couples have but also how to effectively address them. For instance, if one partner needs to study for an upcoming exam and doesn't have time to cook dinner and clean up afterwards, they might say, "I need to study, will you please cook dinner?" The other partner might then prepare dinner, but leave the kitchen a mess. While the first partner appreciates the meal, having to clean the kitchen feels worse than not having dinner at all. The person who cooked the dinner (also being tired after a long day of work) might not feel it's fair to both cook and clean, but the person who asked for help isn't truly helped if they have to clean and can't focus on their studies. At Geheel, the aim is to assist partners in understanding and addressing each other's needs - whether needs revolve around cooking dinner or life-altering decisions.

Speaking about life-altering decisions, our needs can be divided into two categories: non-negotiable and negotiable. A non-negotiable need is one that a person cannot compromise on. These needs hold significant moral, cultural, and experiential importance. They develop over a person’s lifetime and become integral to their life narrative. Non-negotiable needs are essential to an individual’s identity and self-perception. Abandoning these needs is akin to relinquishing a part of oneself.

Negotiable needs, while still important, carry less weight and significance compared to non-negotiable needs. These needs can be adjusted and compromised without making a person feel as though they are sacrificing part of themselves.

Individuals hold varying opinions on what they deem as negotiable and non-negotiable needs. Counsellors help couples explore the non-negotiable needs that each person has in the relationship. If a couple discovers they cannot meet each other's non-negotiable needs, they might have to reconsider the future of their relationship. During the exploration of each other's non-negotiable needs, the counsellor will guide the process to understand the reasons behind these needs to better grasp their importance.

For example, one partner might feel that having children is a non-negotiable need, while the other partner has the opposite non-negotiable need: they do not want children. Both individuals may have strong reasons for their opposing needs and find it impossible to compromise. This couple may realise that continuing the relationship is not feasible, as neither can concede to the other's needs.

Another couple may also be contemplating having children. One partner firmly believes that a life without children is unimaginable. The other partner might have never desired children, but as they reflect on it and examine their reasons for not wanting children, they find they can easily envision themselves as a parent. This partner might discover that they never had a non-negotiable need, just an assumption that they weren't the "parent-type."

To address each other's needs, couples should engage in compromise. Compromise involves both partners giving up something for the benefit of the relationship. It is often used for negotiable needs and can serve as a form of conflict resolution. Since a romantic relationship involves two individuals, both partners should set aside some of their personal needs or desires for the relationship's sake. Thus, a healthy relationship requires compromise from both sides. Sometimes, one partner may compromise more than the other; at other times, the roles may reverse. When compromise is balanced between partners, the hope is for neither to feel exploited or as if they are losing a part of themselves.

Sacrifice occurs when one partner forgoes their essential needs to fulfil the other partner's desires. Typically, sacrifice is one-sided, involves non-negotiable needs, and happens when one partner refuses to compromise. Excessive sacrifice can cause a person to lose their sense of identity, as they give too much of themselves for the other's benefit, hoping the relationship will succeed. This can quickly result in emotional detachment and potentially ruin the relationship.

At Geheel, I explore needs, compromise, and sacrifice with every couple. It might be that both partners feel they compromise too much, or it may also be that one partner is sacrificing too much of themselves. These explorations can reveal important aspects of a relationship, such as power distribution or if partners are too dependent on their relationship for identity and self-worth. Some of these explorations might have to be done in individual sessions rather than combined sessions to enable a non-dominant partner to share their experiences.

Not every need expressed will be fulfilled. Some needs may not be beneficial or realistic. At times, partners may choose not to fulfil certain needs. This is acceptable as long as partners understand each other and discuss their inability or unwillingness to meet each other's needs. It's important to explore the motivations behind the need and the reasons for not fulfilling it.

At Geheel, the couples counselling process is centered on nurturing a profound understanding between partners. It involves grasping each other's needs and identifying the most effective ways to meet them. Furthermore, it examines the roots and importance of these needs. The ultimate goal of couples counselling at Geheel is to help couples who feel disconnected transform into connected partners.