Can counselling help our relationship?!

If you are wondering whether counselling can help your relationship, the short answer would be “yes”…the longer answer would be “yes, but it depends on you”.

At Geheel, my sincere hope is that every couple seeking relationship counselling leaves with a stronger and more resilient bond. However, the success of relationship counselling hinges on various factors controlled by the couple.

The reason or motivation for attending counselling is key to success. If both partners are committed to working on and improving their relationship, the likelihood of success increases significantly. On the other hand, if one or both partners attend counselling because they feel "forced" by the court system; each other; or other pressures, achieving success may be more difficult. Some couples might seek counselling to have a counsellor "validate" how troubled their relationship is and provide "permission" to divorce, as in, "Even our counsellor said we should rather divorce".

Besides the motivation for seeking counselling, partners may or may not agree on the necessity for counselling. One partner might think the other is overreacting and attend only to appease them. Alternatively, one partner might feel that counselling can no longer salvage their relationship and thus participate merely as a final step before completely disengaging from the relationship.

The longer a couple waits to seek counselling, the more it can impact the chances of relationship success. Many relationship issues stem from well-established patterns of engagement and behaviour. The more ingrained and practised those patterns are, the more work is required to break negative cycles of interactions, communication, etc. Habits and patterns require effort to break.

Even if a couple does not wait long to enter counselling, work still needs to be done. This brings us to another consideration for counselling success – are both partners willing to work on themselves and their relationship? All forms of counselling, whether individual, group work, or couples counselling, require effort from the client for change to occur. Counsellors cannot do the work for the clients – that is solely the client's responsibility. Therefore, in couples counselling, counsellors can impart valuable communication skills and facilitate a process of discovery and healing, but for counselling success, couples need to implement the skills and knowledge they have acquired. They need to commit to the time it takes for new patterns to emerge and old ones to subside. When both partners are committed to change and the necessary work required, relationship growth is sure to follow.

I mentioned “work on the self,” which is perhaps more important than “working on the relationship”. For many, couples counselling is a humbling experience. It consistently requires clients to take responsibility for their own actions and their part in the relationship. In most relationships, blame-shifting; avoiding ownership of behaviour; or justifying behaviour is much easier than honest self-reflection. The counsellor is not there to judge such behaviour, but to assist in the process of self-awareness and working on the self to benefit both the individual and the relationship.

In severe cases, it might be that one partner is purely a victim in the relationship. In those cases, serious (often life-saving) intervention is necessary that goes beyond the scope of regular couples counselling. If you find yourself in such a relationship, please visit: https://tears.co.za/ or https://www.riseagainstdomesticviolence.co.za/

Self-awareness requires honesty - a factor that influences the success of counselling. Honesty about behaviours, motivations, needs, and experiences are just some of the necessities for couples counselling. Again, the counsellor is not a judge of behaviour but rather hopes to create a space where honesty is welcomed and protected.

The path to success might look a bit daunting, but if you genuinely wish to enhance or preserve your relationship, consider trying couples counselling. At Geheel, I regard marriages as sacred and prioritise healthy relationships. Your relationship is important, and together, we can strive toward the goals you have set for your relationship. If you and your partner are truthful with each other; and ready to put in the necessary effort on both yourselves and the relationship, then success in counselling is within reach!